The struggles within

So Ive been having an internal struggle with myself for a number of years, but just now finally realizing this isnt something I can't accomplish on my own nor is it something I am willing to openly share with the world, for my own privacy's sake I wont disclose exactly what it is. Now before you go making assumptions I will assure you it is not drugs nor alcohol, nor is any child including my own in any danger.

You see church is a wonderful cover up for any number of fleshen sins that can be hidden from plain view. Something just beneath one's skin and fighting to come out. Sometimes I have thought about coming right out with my personal problem and somehow in the process liberate myself. Only problem is, liberty often comes with a cost. For now Im not willing to pay that cost.

So today I took up Jamie's call to come ask for help - only I did not go directly to him. Not that I dont like him I just feel that if I were to disclose it to him, I would lose a friend - and honestly friends are few and far between for me. So I talked to Tim, again I never disclosed not feeling right to share with the world. So I asked for some outside prayer and maybe perhaps one extra prayer will help, or maybe not.

I will say this much I have a bizarre problem which makes me even more uncomfortable discussing it openly with anyone, even behind closed doors. OK so 2 people, maybe 3 already know but for now its not spread too far, and I like it that way.

ANd because of this problem I am very reluctant to have a close relationship with anyone. So I guess it's a "push them away before they push me away" sort of mechanism. Bad thoughts enter my mind at night, while listening to music and whatnot and its hard to escape, its wrong and I know its wrong. Im holding on to something I can't have. Sometimes I just tell myself just once more then Im done, but then I change my mind again and say no more whatsoever.

Sometimes I think my dress, my personality and whatnot gives it away - but maybe it doesnt and Im just overly self-conscious.

And in another self-conscious aspect - Ive realized Im much too round and unshapely for anyone to love me and see me beyond the fat. Maybe Im doing this for the wrong reasons maybe Im not but Im now officially on a mission to lose weight, albeit in a healthy manner which could prove to be too slow going for my short patience span. How do I plan to lose it? Very simple equation really- a woman needs 2,000 calories a day for healty living. Right now Im consuming an average of 2,500 -3,000 daily, way more than I need. Now I simply cut back my calories to around 2,000 plus or minus 100 extra calories - so basically for phase 1 of this diet no more than 2,100 calories a day max, but if I go over one day then I need to cut back a little bit the next. Next more fruits and vegetables, less junk. When I fix a plate of something at least half of the meal should be fruits and vegetables. The other half is split into quarter of meat and dairy. And overall staying away from sweets.
Finally, up the activity level. I already stand on my feet eight hours a day, but Im not doing physically demanding work that causes me to break out in a sweat. I have no goals other than to lose weight and get healthy looking again which in turn makes me more desireable. No one really likes to hang out with a fat person, much less see them as a potential mate. I know I dont - and its very hypocritical of me to do so knowing that Im fat too. Does this mean when I get skinny will I make fun of fat people? Absolutely not, but if they want to lose weight then I would be more than happy to encourage them along the way and tell them to stick with it, the smaller jeans will come.

So those are my two struggles - the thoughts and desires I need to do away with and the weight issues.