Thursday, October 11, 2007

Proper Priorities

So these days it seems as if everything is out of whack, not just the blood sugar, but I mean life in general. For one seems as if Ive been busted for playing games with God though I have been one to scream and curse at God for playing games with me in years past.

Today was just another talk, another walk, another go at the same boring life I've been living for too long. All I know is that right now there's a crack in the door and dammit I want more than what Ive got. I want to do more than I can.

Every morning it's the same thing: up at 4:30, get dressed, brush teeth, wash face, grab a smoke and head out the door to good ol' PJP (the initials for my company). Get there around 5 or so, sit and continue to smoke my lungs away while I clock in, get my lovely bonnet on and be on the line ready to go at 5:35 - I personally dont like to be any later I have this odd obsession with being either 10 minutes early or simply not show up at all. 2:15 pm Im done and out, but damn Im too zapped to do anything for the rest of the day regardless of how nice it may be and I feel guilty for that sometimes for not letting my DD play outside when all I want to do is sleep. Im in bed by 9:30 or 10, 10:30 the latest during th week, on weekends Im up 22-30 hours straight, goofing off, looking up deaf related articles or just plain reading books, newspapers and whatnot so I dont feel like Im disconnected from the world.

I understand that you should put God first and all else falls into place and how often we hear that in church, sometimes more often than we care to know, but Im sitting here wondering - why I, the one that can sign Amazing Grace in ASL, pray in ASL, and thank God in ASL can't seem to get it right with God. I mean, here I call myself 'Deaf Baptist', but am I really that or is simply a subconscious mockery of the denomination I say I am affiliated with - although I dont post strictly SBC links on here.

Sometimes I feel like if I put too much emphasis on church, Im missing out on incredible moments with my daughter. Im not the same Bible Thumping Babe I was 10 years ago - Im the cynical jaded baptist that believes in a God and a Savior and has given my soul to Him, but I have my doubts that God is going to do anything with me. Im just a speck, a dot, another ant marching along. Heck Im a single mom college drop out that works in a chicken plant and can never seem to get it right with anything.

Why? Because again as mentioned in a previous post - there is still one part of my life that I haven't given completely over to him, partly because Im not ready to and the other because if I let go of this I feel that Ive lost part of myself in the process. But then I have said that if losing myself means becoming a part of God, then I know Im becoming something beautiful too. So what's the hold up? Its a missing prayer and a longing for something I can never have.

I know as a single parent you are going in ten directions at once and it's difficult to decide what comes when although others may not completely agree.

I was asked today what I wanted to do with my life within reason - I said I honestly could not think of what. Im just lost at sea at the moment. If I am incredibly smart, how can one make such incredibly stupid decisions time after time?

With enough pounding myself down - I have a friend that has lifted me up more times than I can possibly count - chewed me out when I needed it most and ignored me when I needed to learn to stand alone. Well now that friend is in need. I want to return the favor but not sure how. I have been praying that God would open the door for me in that area and present a way for me to help. I understand what they are going through. It's rough, it's hard and all you want to do is walk away. I just want to let this friend know Im here I still care and Ive never stopped despite things I might have said and done. Jealousy causes us to do amazingly stupid things. You dont have to hide those feelings inside. Like a true human being - I stay with my friends beyond the fair weather.

So priorties are shifting as the world changes and sometimes its hard to keep up.