Monday, June 2, 2008

Where You Want To Be

Yes this post is titled after a Darren Hayes song of the same title. As I listened to the lyrics thoughts and memories of close friends past came flooding in. Good times and bad times and intimate moments shared.

Out of the few friends I have made in life - I'm the one that's failed or so it seems. Am I jealous? Not really, but sometimes I wonder if they are really happy with what theyve ended up with. It terms of worldy measures of success and material things, yes these people went on to be very successful and I am glad they accomplished everything they set out to do. But I have stop and wonder - are they really where they wanted to be? Did they wait for love or did they settle for someone to hold?

I don't have much to offer in terms of money, or things, but I have my love to give and frankly to me, thats worth more than money or gold.

But at the same time, when people would imagine that I am content of where I've landed, and considering where I've been. I still feel this void that desires to be filled. I have this longing for something to make me whole, complete, a finished work. Something that can allow me to look back on my life and say 'Hey it was worth it and I'd do it all again to get right back here.'

Do I desire to go higher? Absolutely. Anything has got to beat being a single mother working in foodservice and given the rising cost of living, obviously cannot make it on her own, and consequently, setting her child up for the same fate becuase thats all the child knows. I want to better my life so that in turn I can better my daughter's life. That's my motive.

Where do I want to be? I don't know. I do know that I want to break free of the glass ceiling thats holding me in. For now is slow-going, almost feeling like Im trudging through a swamp in search of dry land.

What happened to my friends? We grew apart and Im sad that I don't have these relationships in my present life. During these relationships I had the best memories of my life and I felt like I was going places. But sadly, I turned a sharp left when I should have turned right. But that's life, sometimes it can be full of regrets and memories, could have beens, and hopes for a higher future.

Maybe someday I'll find another decent somebody to share my life with.


Growing Up Deaf in a Hearing World said...

Enjoyed your post. Lucky you if you can hear music even being deaf!

Remember with God in your life, you are never alone and always have a friend who will not leave you.


Dixie said...

Thanks for the comment. I tried replying to your email but it kept coming back as undeliverable.

Yes I have God in my life, and has been since 2003. Everywhere I go, I know He's always there.

Ginger :) said...

Dixie you are not alone. You have me- I know we haven't met yet but we need to real SOON! HECK We don't live that far from each other. ha ha! :P You are like me being alone and no friends where I live while others have life and wondering if they are happy or not? I wonder that too. Oh well. Life sure is funny. :)

Brenda is right... you are not alone.. God is with you and everyone else. so chin up and think positive!~

Gin :)

Dixie said...

Thanks Ginger, I know we are friends even though we have not met yet, but I think I was simply in a funk when I wrote the entry. I think we all get that way sometimes.

I think though for me personally I long for more than just working on line 10 as a poultry QC at PJP.

But then again anyone would if they were in my position, and there are several in very similar situations. So I know Im not the only one sifting through life and wondering.