Sunday, January 6, 2008

Good Enough?

This has not been a good weekend at all for me. For starters I had to work a full shift on Saturday. Then I cleared my schedule Saturday night for a blind date that would never happen - yup I got stood up.

As you know Im very tomboyish, and I have even been asked if I were lesbian or bisexual. But the more I think about the comments of people surrounding me and my own personal thoughts, could it be that Im simply not good enough for any hopes of companionship?

Its nothing gained so nothing lost - all it is, its become another stone for the wall Im building around my heart to protect it from being broken again.

There is someone I love, I mean I truly love, but I could never have them, NEVER.

And the more I reach back into the junkyard of my mind - the more I realize the most Ive been able to attract are real genuine losers - so it that I too am a loser? Winners attract winners, losers attract losers, its a crab theory of sorts.

Of course I feel like I can accomplish things in the academic and financial sense, but I simply cant accomplish much in the relationship area.

Am I so tomboyish to the point that I am butch? Sure theres a tiny part of me Im trying to hide - but its hanging out for all the world to see appearently. Im an open book.

Ive prayed about this, Ive thought about this, Ive asked about this. Im not sure what else I can do besides be me. Wearing make up is foreign, I prefer to grab a t-shirt, pants, jacket, ball cap and head out the door. But of course there was a time in my life where I didnt have money and makeup was out of the question.

Im 24 years old and I feel like Im having the same inner conflict of a 14 year old with more hormones floating in their body than they should.

Given my track record Ive come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as true love, at least not from what I have seen. Youre not going to find it on this earth that is for sure.

Im being me and Im a turnoff for alot of people. I just want someone to love me for me and not as a walking sex toy.